Ali sez: Dustin Pedroia be smackin’

Editor’s note: OK, so Sacha Baron Coen has been an absolute ass, and his agents have blown off a few (cough, cough 42) phone calls to get him to actually do this segment for us here at SoxNest. So, instead I’ve found another local stand-in to study the art of being Ali G, then interview Sox players as Ali himself. Or at least steal the answers that Sox players provide to NESN’s Hazel Mae in the weekly Ultimate Red Sox show. So, here comes a train wreck, starting with a guy so small he’s definitely going to be run over, Dustin Pedroia:

Ali: Big fan of Dustinn Pedhoya.

Ali-G: Bedebynow! Check dis, I is ere in butiful Fenway Pahk, kickin it wit my main man, Dustinn Pedhoya. He be de second base bloke for the Rhed Sox. Wicked. It’s a funny name you got innit it?

DP: Thanks

Ali: What wuz your parents tinking? Did they do it in a place called Dustin?

DP: I’m from California, so I don’t know.

Ali: If me and me Julie had a son, we’d have to name him West London shoppin’ mall. Or KFC at de West London Shoppin’ Mall. I really like dat chikun. What do you like to grub?

DP: I can cook. Spaghetti.

Ali: Spaghetti? Dat’s pasta innit it? Why would you eat sometin’ like dat? Dere’s so much 40’s and chikun here. And dere’s so much bassball. I don’t get dis baseball stuff, so wat else do you do?

DP: I watch a lot of TV series. You know, Prison Break, 24, Lost. I get ‘em on DVD and then watch them all in like three or four days. Really exciting life, I know.

Ali: Do you use dem to get jiggy wit your bitch’s babylons?

Ali sez it’s impotant to hunderstand sex … and know how to ghet it like Dustinn.

DP: My wife and I watch a lot of movies, too.

Ali: She must be like posh to smack on since you be de fit ball playa. But she’s small because you’re like dat mini me bloke.

DP: Wow. Well, my favorite actress is Catherine Zeta Jones.

Ali: Innit she de one who Michael Douglass is in? Why would you be on a geezer like dat? Me boyz say dat bitch be brick layin in a diaper wit her minge in dere.

DP: What was that?

Ali: Has you ever been in a ruk ere?

DP: We almost had a fight here earlier this season, but it didn’t happen.

Ali: Wicked! Dis be your turf, aiight? Watch you Warrior in dere.

DP: Sure, no problem.

Ali: Aiight, big up yourselves. Dis be Dustinn Pedhoya, and he be fit ball playa ere in de Fenway Pahk, and he be wantin’ to say to all you dat you better not come in on dis turf cuz dis de turf of Fenway Massive. No mo natterin’ wit’ des peeps, increase da peace, Westside!