It may not be the whole enchilada, but it’s a hell of an appetizer, isn’t it? It’s a little like waking up next to Tara Connor; it might not have happened under the most holistic conditions, what with the Red Sox ongoing meltdown, but it sure looks good in the morning regardless.
Tara Connor and a nice bottle of Brut? Hard to beat, unless it’s an AL East or World Series title.
The Red Sox sewed up a playoff berth, aborting the frustrating conclusion of 2006, by mounting a ninth-inning comeback against Tampa Bay in the dome. Just when it appeared the Boston bullpen had blown a sure-fire win - again - the captain himself came to the rescue, with Jason Varitek launching a game-tying homer to start things off, then Eric Hinske knocking a double to start the game-winning explosion. Naturally, Jacoby Ellsbury had a hand in the spurt, providing the latest proof that Boston’s bounce-back is being powered by its internal youth movement, not the mediocre over-priced free agents (though Julio Lugo is making a late case for himself, isn’t he?).
Still, so much of the credit for the win should go where the win that should have been last Friday should go, too: Daisuke Matsuzaka. Suddenly, the Dice-man is back on schedule and looking like the dominant pitcher he was early in the season.
Of course there was the inevitable letdown when Terry Francona summoned Javier Lopez from the bullpen instead of the significantly more reliable Manny Delcarmen or Mike Timlin, matchups be damned.
Tara Connor gone wild. Like we hope the Red Sox will.
In the end, it all worked out, right? And what better place to celebrate than Florida?
Especially when you’re celebrating with Tara Connor.
Boy, that win took long enough, didn’t it? Why didn’t the Red Sox just think to pitch Josh Beckett earlier?
Kylie Minogue would constitute a nice change from a slump, no? So would a Josh Beckett win, as last night proved.
That, of course, is a joke. Though two more Red Sox losses, and a preemptive Beckett start on short-rest might not have been such a jocular exaggeration. As it stands, however, Boston finally won, the Yankees finally lost, and for a night at least, all was right in the AL East universe.
Really, it was a bit like coming off a long nightlife slump after the end of a long-term relationship. Sometimes it takes a few months before someone can get back on the horse. And the last week of losing made for one tall horse.
Somehow it seems rather appropriate that a cocksure Texan - all puns intended - would be the one to mount the horse, doesn’t it? Beckett’s been known for brash reactions when turned down by women at bars, but his reactions were all confident last night in becoming the bigs’ first 20-game winner. By giving up just a single run through six innings, Beckett dropped his ERA back down below that of fellow top Cy Young contender C.C. Sabathia - Beckett’s is 3.14, Sabathia 3.89 - and almost single-handedly got his team back on the winning track.
OK, single-handedly is quite the exaggeration. A couple bombs from Big Papi didn’t hurt, and neither did another night from Mike Lowell, and two more tremendous hitting performances from youngsters Dustin Pedroia and Jacoby Ellsbury.
All-in-all, it made for a huge Florida night for the Red Sox. A huge Florida night for Beckett, who’s known to have a few of those, dating back to his days in a Marlins uni. To think that he’s hitting those marks again now, and that he’ll get a chance to in the postseason again. Well, at least we know the Sox have one thing going for them.
Let’s face it. As Red Sox fans, we walk through life half expecting for things to fall apart. It’s hard not to after ‘76, ‘86, ‘90, ‘03, well, you get the idea.
Nonetheless, there’s no way we could have seen this collapse coming. Sure, it hasn’t happened. Yet. But would anyone be surprised if the Yankees got even closer to the division lead as the incredible shrinking advantage keeps getting more and more meager?
Christina Pickles? Should have just ordered take-out Tito.
Last night’s win was abhorrently stupid, with an ineffective knuckleball starter left in too long - does anyone else get the feeling Tim Wakefield is cooked? - and a parade of relievers who refused to, or were not let to, intentionally walk a slugger hotter than boiling oil. When Frank Thomas starts smacking the ball, you just don’t pitch to him. If anyone forgot that, last night was a powerful reminder that he’s not dead yet.
Of course, like Adam Sandler has said in the past, that could have been brought to our attention YESTERDAY!!! And like a slutty yet ugly villian in a bad, cliched Sandler pick, Terry Francona was buying any line last night. Either that or he was intentionally torpedoing his team’s chances.
A classic comedy with a classic one-liner. Time to cue it up Sox fans.
We’re betting it was the former, because no one would want to hook up with Christina Pickles. But after the decisions with the bullpen over the past week, one has to ask the question nonetheless.
That leads to the second time in a week that second-year cancer survivor Jon Lester will have to come up big. Wakefield couldn’t do it. Curt Schilling couldn’t do it. Now we’re going to ask the kid lefty from the Northwest to do it? Are we sure?
And perhaps equally importantly, does anyone else want to throw the whole Clay Buchholz structured inning idea out the window and pitch him right now?
How about yesterday? The Sox could have used a lot of him.
So, what do you do when you get swept by your deepest enemies? You go out and sleep with a total rebound, no matter how horrid they may be, of course. It’s an extension of self-loathing. An extension of the depression.
Ummm, if the Sox can rebound like Nick Lachey, let’s just say things will be OK. If not? Trouble city.
An extension of the horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach, punctuated by brief moments of regret and excitement.
After all, now that the dismal performance of the last three days is finally over, isn’t that what the Sox need? Brief moments of excitement? The way the Sox are hitting, the Orioles will provide plenty of excitement themselves. The Yankees? They had entirely too much excitement for the moment.
Is Boston in trouble of missing the playoffs? Not at the moment. Still, the results of the past three days have to be significantly more than disconcerting. Let’s take a look at the rundown, shall we? The Sox: 1) Were swept by their division rivals, the only team with any sort of a shot at catching them in the division, 2) Scored a grand total of six runs in three games, 3) Failed to get a hit until at least the sixth inning twice, 4) Wasted three quality starts from the team’s best starters, 5) Saw a key member of the back end of the bullpen - star setup man Hideki Okajima - get rattled by a team that he dearly needs to retire every time. It’s the second minor implosion for Okajima against the Yanks.
If Lachey’s chick is the New York bounce back, can we call this one a fair representation of Baltimore? We thought so.
Naturally, there were two different factors to take into account in the aftermath of the sweep. While it was an extremely encouraging sign to see Curt Schilling go deep into a game against New York while giving up just two runs, it was a serious worry to drop all three games. The possibility of facing the Yankees in the playoffs? At the moment it would look like a nightmare. That hardly means it will still look that way after New York visits Fenway in a couple weeks, but it certainly doesn’t help. And with Manny Ramirez’s back injury flaring up, who knows, maybe it will still look taht way in a few weeks.
So Red Sox, enjoy that rebound night. You may need to make it last for awhile … we hope.
Admit it. In the fourth inning last night, you were thinking: “You know, the Sox are going to pull this one out! And when they do, it’ll feel even more rewarding because they will have had to rally to do it!”
Guess who was playing the role of the Yankees last night? Yeah, she’s the one with the whip.
Nice thought, crappy execution.
Instead of pulling off an inspirational come-from-behind victory in the Bronx, and salvaging a no-decision for the perennially unlucky Daisuke Matsuzaka, the Sox left the Dice-man on the mound an inning too long last night, and the Yankees left with a 5-3 win gratis a la former Sox center man and Idiot captain Johnny Damon.
That’s right, the Sox were done in by a man who could have served as inspiration for a Geico mascot turned CBS sitcom star. It’s a sad world, isn’t it?
Last night it wasn’t so much a sad world as it was a painful one. The Yankees rally the second time around was truly a killer. And as all Sox fans will be quick to profess, the last thing they want to do is let the Yankees back into the AL East race. That, of course, meant that winning two out of three in the Bronx would have all but shoveled fresh dirt on the NY grave. That would have certainly been enough to quell New England desires and aims on a division championship.
Not any more. Now, instead of needing just a two-game split to win the series, the Sox will have to get great performances from Josh BeckettandCurt Schilling to win the series. Suddenly, that looks significantly tougher.
Hey, if you’re going to get beaten by a divisional rival, you might as well try and enjoy it, right?
Of course, that’s not saying that won’t happen. It’s just saying it’s going to be tougher than the tails of that dominatrix whip that struck Boston ass last night.
How do you start to recapture the frustration that was last night’s loss. Here’s the rundown of everything that was lost:
Sure, she’s funny and borderline cute, but is anyone truly comfortable with Sarah Silverman? Or a late lead in Baltimore after last night?
1) A furious rally that would have earned Dice-K a well-earned 14th win
2) Another strong start by one of the team’s aces
3) The sense of invulnerability that has been floating around the bullpen since the trade deadline
4) Another precious game of the dwindling AL East lead over the Yankees
Not only did the Sox lose the late lead, they did it in the most excruciating way possible. It was like watching a Sarah Silverman stand-up act. Sure, she’s cute and the whole tom-boy thing is kind of hipster sexy. But she’s telling queiff jokes for God’s sake. That’s kind of a turn off in any situations, don’t you think?
Here’s how the game would have broken down if it was a typical Silverman bit: the slow start would be like her off-beat one-liner about her gay Jewish friend who’s a cop, a bit funny but too slow and insider-based to get a good roar. Then the big seventh inning comeback was like the sex joke sequence, where she eventually kills with a self-deprecating bit about how she slept her way to the top. But then it would all go downhill fast, with Sarah delving into post-sex flatulence and closing with a line about whether farting is more uncomfortable in a synagogue or a mosque.
Just follow the whole bit. It’ll get to you eventually. Just wait.
Well, maybe it wasn’t really like that, but it was just as painfully awkward, with Eric Gagne taking the brunt of the blame. And it all happened on a night in which the O’s “Took Back the Yard.” Somehow, they took back some respect, and that’s the last thing Boston needed heading into two more days of a virtual must-win series.
Thank God that West coast trip is over. You know that’s what the entire Red Sox roster was thinking on the flight back home last night.
There’s nothing low about Lohan on the beach.
While the sox are taking the afternoon off today, fans had a chance to ponder three sloppy games, two of which ended up in the loss column. Then there was last night’s debacle, terribly pitched through five innings, then saved by terrific late bullpen work and smoking bat work from Dustin Pedroia and Mike Dr. Double Lowell.
But let’s not get away from ourselves here, right? The Sox pulled out a win, but they hardly did so smoothly. Perhaps most significantly, Jon Boy Lester solidified his spot as the most consistently inconsistent - not to mention inefficient - starting pitcher in the bigs.
The line from the Boy Beats Cancer Wonder? 3 1/3 innings and a whopping 93 pitches. That’s right, 93 pitches. Ouch.
Still, Lester is an unbelievably tantalizing factor. When he’s on, the youngster can seem almost unhittable. When he’s not, well, he’s a disaster.
In fact, he’s just like Lindsay Lohan that way. Keep her away from drugs and keys, and she’s a slam dunk. Or in Lester’s case, just keep him away from meatball off-speed pitches over the heart of the plate. Like Lohan’s substance issues, Lester’s substance of pitches issues are becoming a trend, too. Both are equally problematic.
Remember, Lohan doesn’t mix well with alcohol. Or cocaine.
In the end of the night will you take the Lester start? Sure. You feel better getting as much of him as you can while he holds the opponent to 3 or 4 runs. After all, if he keeps going at current pace, Lester will finish with a 1-0 record in 12 starts. He just has to hope that Manny, Dustin and Dr. Double keep hitting for him.
And if they don’t? Uggh. May be a lot more like Lindsay’s recent struggles out there in L.A. Maybe the Sox saw them first hand out there over the past three days. They definitely saw what they would look like in their baseball manifestation.
Mimi Craven: what’s in a name? Maybe less than in a role.
It’s not an easy one to remember. After all, what the hell would a Mimi Craven, an actress in horror flicks, have to do with the Red Sox? What could anyone possibly crave from a horrendous game like last night?
That’s just it, the Craven part of the name isn’t literal enough. The subject matter of her films, however, is. Last night’s loss in Disneyland was a horror flick. It was Nightmare on Main Street USA.
Let’s go down the checklist, shall we? A solid Tim Wakefield start? Nope. Consistent power hitting, inning to inning? Nope. Clutch work from the bull pen’s long men? Ehhh, let’s take a pass on that, too.
Look, what do you expect from a game like last night’s. And - for that matter - a series like the one currently evolving in Anaheim. After escaping the last West Coast horror house known to Sox fans everywhere, Boston seems to have found a new one. Now, the Sox have to look to Jon Boy Lester to try to scrape a win away from the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim/Orange County/California/USA/North America/the World. Not exactly the performance Red Sox fans were looking for.
Egggghhh. This scene creepy enough for you? It’s not as bad as things were in Anaheim last night.
Then again, I’m not entirely sure that the nurse’s spot in Nightmare on Elm Street was what moviegoers were looking for Mimi Craven, either. Nightmares come easy with a creepy expression like that. They come easy after a game like that, too.
Need to start today’s TMA with an admission: I’m a hugeAmy Smart fan. Huge.
If Amy Smart doesn’t make you excited, you should check your pulse.
That being said, how can last night’s win be called anything but smart? Dice-K tossed a solid, stingy game; one run through six, solo shot in the seventh. And with four runs backing him (thanks Youk) the Dice man was in fine shape.
Of course, nothing is easy in the zip code that also houses Pike’s Place fish market. And like the specimen kept on ice there, the Sox got a big clammy in the late innings. After entering in the eighth, new closer turned set-up man Eric Gagne submitted to back-to-back hits. That pulled the M’s to 4-3 with runners on second and third … and Gagne finally providing the sweat needed to make that disgusting hat of his authentic.
Amy’s a little bit like Dice-K: she’s might not the best actor on the screen … yet. But she’s got more potential than anyone in the area code.
That’s when the crazy Quebequois showed why the Sox are putting so much faith - and dinero - in his corner: when he hits his spot, Gagne is flat out nasty. He earned an easy chip out with a tapper back to the mound. Cue the Papelbon Fire Department and go ahead and tell Okie Dokie to take a nap, this one’s on his pen mates.
Yeah, this scene just makes you feel dirty, doesn’t it? You want to beat up Jason Statham, but you can’t get enough of it, either.
Still, that was an awful lot of melodrama, wasn’t it? That makes it a lot like Smart. In both cases, it’s a whole lot of fun to watch, because whether you’re getting lost in the Sox escaping with a win, or Smart’s entrancing smile, it’s always a good end to the night.
The Sox take an early lead. They build on it, but fail to bust the game open. They leave the Mariners slinking around, then sure enough, an infield error leads to three runs and a tie game.
How bad was last night? If the Sox had been hitting on members of the women’s soccer team, they would have been angling for Heather Mitts or Lindsay Tarpley, and ended up with Shannon Boxx (above).
BAM! Back come the Sox, taking a lead … but again only scoring one run. Then who kills Boston? That’s right, one half of Seattle’s Japanese duo. Who saw that bomb coming from Kenji Johjima? Seriously, who? I mean, Ichiro and Johjima are to Dice-K and Okajima what the Duff sisters (Haley and Hillary) are to the Olsen twins (Mary Kate and Ashley), right? Less celeb, less in common and quirkier? Not to mention significantly less hot?
Screw it. None of that matters anyway. Last night the Sox got railroaded on a wingman assignment. And it was a bad one, a night where they successfully located their A-1 target, brought their buddy Pawtucket along for the ride to be their wingman, then had the lady of the night taking a liking to ol’ Pawt and leave the Sox with their orca-fat friend.
Ugggh. It leaves a bitter taste in the mouth just thinking about it.
You know what the Sox were feeling. And you know you want to sing along. Go ahead.
So what can the Sox take away from a ruined homecoming for Jon Boy Lester? Well, they can love the expanding resuscitation of Big Papi, who seems to be settling in with a slightly altered swing. And they can postulate that a Dice-K start - so long as it brings more offense with it than it did in Tampa last Sunday - might even show those bitchy Duff sisters who the real celebritants are.
If things don’t get better soon, the Sox may even believe the Duff sisters are the real deal by the time they head south to Anaheim.
