Dragnet F’ing Canada: Sox at Jays

OK Clay Buchholz, here’s the deal: The Sox need a win. They need one bad. You’re already well on your way to becoming a true Boston hero. If you can come through with another big performance on the hill, you’ll be up at Roger Clemens like levels three starts into your career, and that’s saying something.

Clay Buchholz gets his first start tonight since that little no-no deal in Baltimore. Maybe he can even log some help from fellow frosh phenom Jacoby Ellsbury.

Of course, we’re talking about the Rocket circa hats with B’s on them, not afterwards, like when he played for the God foresaken team in the other dugout tonight.

Two nights in a row the damn Canucks have gotten to the Sox. Twice. IF they pull it off three times in a row that lead over the Yankees that you’ve already contributed to three times will be all but evaporated. You don’t want that, do you? Didn’t think so.

Still, as Red Sox fans we understand that you’re just a rookie. We understand that you might be nervous out there. This is your first start on the road, after all. But you looked good in relief in Baltimore, that first inning aside, and everyone knows that your stuff is absolutely filthy. If you can get that curveball working, 12-6 and all, this should be a picture perfect set-up for a win.

Here’s the other good news: because Boston has sucked the past three nights, we’ve got the back-end of the bullpen all juiced for you. Hideki Okajima has had almost an entire week to think about how he screwed last Friday up. Jonathan Papelbon is almost certainly chomping at anyone’s arm he can get a hold of just trying to get into the game. Everyone knows he’s a lunatic, and he’s been waiting to pull that “slutter” pitch of his out on Toronto for God knows how long. Actually, we know how long. About a month, since he invented it.

So Clay, can you handle it Bubba? This may not be Texas anymore - hell, it’s not even the US - but a win would go a long ways toward saving your team’s season. That may be a hell of a lot of pressure to put on someone entering his third start who’s so young that he has shades of Frankie Muniz wearing a hat.

Now that you’re ready, here’s what you’re up against. Good luck buddy, we could use it right about now.

We just hope you don’t need the luck. Keep that curveball going and mix it with the filthy fast stuff, and you shouldn’t.

– Cameron Smith