The Morning After: No caviar from this beluga

Well, that was a new low.

Not only did the Sox lose to the Royals, they got positively blasted. 9-3 is not a loss, it’s a spanking. A bare-assed, XXL-sized Tau-Beta-Gamma paddle of a spanking, handed over by a team that wouldn’t have to worry about beer in the clubhouse because so much of its lineup is under-aged.

Wait, Javi Lopez wants to do WHAT with my blow hole?

This wasn’t just a horrible decision at the bar after a long night of pounding Jaeger bombs. This was full on beastiality, led by a pitcher who had a whale of a pitching line. Who’s that you ask? None other than “lefty-specialist” Javier Lopez. His line? 2/3 of an inning, 2 runs, both earned, on two hits with two walks and - fittingly - no strikeouts.

Ladies and gentlemen, Javier Lopez just crossed over. He mated with a beluga whale.

Make no mistake, this loss wasn’t exactly all about Javi. He had plenty of help in the “let’s sandbag this game against a Royals rookie starter” club. Tim Wakefield? Ol’ “knuckle-down boys” got his soup tossed back like a resident of a Revere assisted living facility who ordered tomato-basil and got minestrone (yes, thahs a goddam diffrence, get this shit outta heah!). And it seemed like every time Sox hitters came up in key situations, they found themselves swinging at air. After all, you’d think that they would come through for more than three runs against a Kansas City rookie, right?

And you thought they just looked friendly …

Again, you’d be wrong. On the other hand, a whole lotta’ people in Vegas were wrong about the Sox last night, too. That means there’s more pressure than ever on Julian Tavarez to come through tomorrow night, with the Yankees cruising against the reeling Jays, pulling within eight games.

Anyone feel like going bowling for good luck? You know Julian does.

– Cameron Smith