The Morning After: Wrong kind of Superstar

You know how all those catchy Saturday Night Live sketches from the mid-90s were great as three-minute bits, then horrible when adapted into 2-hour feature films?

Mary Katherine Gallagher, you were such a disappointment.

Sure, you know what I’m talking about; you can pretty much take your pick from any sketch not starring Mike Myers or Dana Carvey. My favorite? Superstar.

That’s right, ol’ Molly Shannon had a great thing going with the Catholic school girl who stuck her fingers under her pits and then shoved them up her nose like smelling salts when she got sweaty and nervous. It was a clever, simple idea. Fun, farcical, no one to get seriously hurt.

Then, in 1999 they turned it into a feature film, and everyone who watched it did get hurt. In the wallet.

Afterwards, dazed moviegoers meandered out in the streets, wandering aimlessly and wondering what happened to their $6-10, then disappeared to their respective holes and rabbit warrens, never to be heard from again. Until last night.

You mean the Sox could have had her instead?

That’s because the Sox’s 6-5 heartbreaker at the Fens last night was eerily reminiscent of the cinematic crapshoot vomited from the brain of Mademoiselle Shannon. The Sox came through in early, the slowly let their good fortune slip away, wasting Manny Ramirez RBIs, a bounce-back from Julian Tavarez after early struggles and a strong relief outing from Mike Timlin. They all slipped away.

It was as if the Sox spent all evening hitting on the SNL host - I don’t know, say Catwoman-era Michelle Pfeiffer, and then bagged the effort for Mary Katherine Gallagher (that’s the Superstar chick, for the uninitiated) at closing curtains.

Oh, and if you thought things couldn’t get worse, not only did Boston waste a 5-run offensive output, it also saw J.D. Drew come up lame while running the bases once again. Evidently he came up with a sore hamstring. Maybe that fat wallet with $14 mill in his back pocket was weighing him down.

You may not want to click play on this video. It really is as bad as you remember.

Let’s face it, the Sox should be in good shape to bounce back tonight, with Daisuke Matsuzaka firing on the mound and the offense, Drew or no Drew, seemingly firing on plenty of cylinders after a season of firing like a ‘67 Volkswagen bus.

But no matter what happens tomorrow, they’ll always have their Superstar night. That’s a shame.

– Cameron Smith