There have been plenty of heated TV dilemmas for Boston fans in the past but, perhaps, never one more divisive than tonight’s.

Guess what? He’s baaaack. But so are the Pats. So who you gonna watch?

That’s because both the Red Sox and Patriots find themselves in pivotal games. Both are at home. And both are on national TV. What’s more, the Sox host the one team that can help them pull TV ratings in the ballpark of an NFL team; the Yankees. As if that wasn’t enough, Roger Clemens makes another return to Fenway in pinstripes while Curt Schilling makes a key start for the Sox in what could be one of his final Fenway appearances. Naturally, it’s a matchup that piques interest.

Is anyone else completely torn up about this? What are we supposed to do? On the one hand, it’s absolute sacrilege to not watch a Sox-Yankees showdown. On the other hand, it’s absolute sacrilege to ignore a Patriots game.

One way or the other, New England fans are bound to anger the Boston sports gods. It’s a karma-doomed quicksand trap which just doesn’t seem to have a good exit out.

As frustrated as we were by the confluence of terrific viewing headed our way in about an hour, we felt the need to make a decision, come up with an hour-by-hour game plan for TV viewing and stick to it. Here’s what we’ve got.

8 p.m. - Red Sox first pitch and Pats kick off. Start with the Red Sox first pitch, then switch to the Pats game after Schilling’s first half inning. With any luck, the Pats will be in the middle of their first series, and we can get a solid 5-10 plays before switching back to the Sox game, which should have returned from commercials. It’s essential to get back to the Sox game as quickly as possible after the commercials, because the Raahhhjaaah chants are not to be missed.

9 p.m. - We decided to stick with the Sox game in the early innings to maximize the potential of the Schilling-Clemens matchup. By this point, we should be somewhere around the third or fourth inning, assuming that Clemens or Schilling haven’t been shelled. Naturally, the Clemens shilling is a legitimate possibility. It’s certainly not unprecedented. Now, this is where the plan breaks into two different forks: A) If the Sox have come through and roughed up Rahjah, then all focus can return to the Pats, where it might normally belong. Naturally, the same guideline applies if Schilling has collapsed, but we’re not even going to talk about that. B) If the Sox game is still heated and close, switch main focus to the Pats but go back to the Sox game at each commercial break and stick with baseball until the half inning being viewed completes.

10 p.m. - Entering innings 7 and above, the focus has to shift back to the Sox, regardless of score/affiliation. We know, the Pats will also be in the second half, but when two baseball teams hate each other as much as Boston and New York do, and the conclusions have been as dramatic as they have been in recent years, one cannot ignore the last three innings. Think about how many Big Papi heroics have come in the final two innings against the Yanks? Got the mental picture? Good. Yes, it goes against all TV trends, but frankly it’s necessary. Adding to that intrigue is the Hideki Okajima-Jonathan Papelbon bridge factor. After a season of absolute dominance for both relievers, the dynamic duo struggled Friday. Will they bounce back if they get the chance? Or will Terry Francona actually use that key trade deadline acquisition, Eric Gagne, in the late innings, as Theo Epstein assumed he would? The potential drama is off the charts.

11 p.m. - Here’s where we get into uncharted territory. The baseball game should be wrapping up, or over. The football game should be well into the late third or fourth quarter. Hopefully, the Sox have taken care of business and all legitimate focus can shift to the Pats. But naturally, that’s a big conditional hope. We’re claiming it’s going to happen, and then the focus can shift entirely to Tedy Bruschi and his squad’s attempts to hold down LaDanian Tomlinson, Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates. Naturally, this would also be the perfect time for Tom Brady to nail Randy Moss on a couple of super deep routes if a comeback is needed. Again, we’re trying not to talk about that possibility, but the melodrama would be pretty intense, to put it mildly.

So, that’s what we’ve got. Naturally, this entire operation is going to require a significant amount of flying by the seat of our pants, but it’s worth it for a structure plan of attack with two terrific matchups on the horizon.

A big start from Curt could solve a lot of the viewing dilemmas tonight.

What if things don’t go to plan, you ask? Well, then screw it. And more than that, screw the folks at NBC and ESPN for sticking us with this quandry by doubling up on New England powerhouses. It’s just not fair, even if it does make for a heck of an evening.

– Cameron Smith